The Search for Spotted Zebras

Late Night Ramblings

2011-11-07T09:58:00.000-08:00

So apparently all of my anti-insomnia tactics aren't really working, including the prescription meds. I'm to the point now of wondering if i need to kick my ass physically during the day to just wear myself out. That's next on the list I guess. I was horrible this past week about exercise, my diet was mostly ok but needs improvement as well on choices and portions. I was planning on having a few drinks on Saturday night as my cheat day, but after one I just couldn't anymore. I've lost my taste for it completely plus I'm hesitant because I just don't want to deal with feeling like shit the next day.

I'm thinking about pursuing some personal training and hoping I can get something worked out this week to start. I don't want to do it through Lifetime since last time I ended up injured with what they suggested for me. I almost get the feeling it's more of a blanket routine they give everyone vs what I need medically for my joint problems and such.

Things are pretty status-quo around life lately. I had a good weekend, spent time with a couple close friends, went to the Pet Festival and had some downtime away from the house for a change. Only bad thing is I didn't spend any time on house chores, laundry, etc so will have to deal with it this week. Dating life is not happening and I'm good with that, I'd rather focus energy on myself and personal things at this point instead.

I'm trying to hype myself up for the holiday season. I'm really looking forward to it, but don't want to get into a funk because of the past. Trying to stay positive and have fun anyways. I am worried about the candy/sweets temptations that come with the season though so it will be a struggle to stay on track.

Claudette

2011-10-21T14:17:00.000-07:00

Every once in a blue moon in your life you meet one of "those" people. The kind of person that everyone secretly wishes they could be if money, possessions and all those other life hindrances weren't in the way. I was fortunate enough to meet one of "those" people and her name was Claudette.

We have a family that spans the world, literally, through DWB. Some of us have met in person, some haven't, but chances are I can tell you what's happening with my DWB friend in Singapore before I can tell you what's going on in most of my extended family. It's like having a huge support system in place for any little bump in the road of life, it's reassuring.

I "met" Claudette online more than a few years ago, she was pretty much the nicest person you would ever know. Through the years I have never, ever heard a foul word from her. Ever. She became the spine of the DWB support system. If anyone needed help, support, congratulations, etc she was the first to pass the word on to the rest of us. Everyone gets caught up in their day to day lives and it's easy for things to fall through the cracks, with Claudette she made sure everyone was taken care of. When you hear of someone touching people across the globe, you probably think of a celebrity or political figure, but that's what Claudette has done. From her computer at home in North Carolina she has formed a close family with people around the world.

In July 2011, some of our DWB group was fortunate enough to vacation together in New York City. Claudette lived a modest life and through our family everyone was able to help to make sure she made it to the gathering. It was one of the best times of my life and to see Claudette so happy to be there was the most important thing. Most of us take so much for granted, but it was like seeing the world through different glasses...rose colored ones. She had so much appreciation for the good things in the world and in her life, she never focused on the negatives and I really hope that trip meant as much to her as it did to me.

If I ever face even half of the health issues that she had, I can only hope I could do so like her. She endured so much during Cancer treatment, then to receive further bad news a few months back had to be utterly devastating. Still, you'd be hard pressed to hear a sad word from her. Although we all knew "it" was coming, it didn't make the news that she had passed today any easier. Part of you always thinks it will be "one day" but just not today.

Cancer is a cruel and evil monster that has taken so many lives. It doesn't discriminate, it doesn't make exceptions and it is just brutal. While I want to rant and rave against it, that wasn't Claudette's style. If I had to close my eyes and imagine a battle, Claudette would have surely killed it with kindness.

Rest in peace, sweet friend. I'm sure you're surrounded by all of our pups at the Bridge. Take care of them for us until we all meet again, we will make sure Floyd and your pups are taken care of here.

PSA: Listen to your gut. Very, very long.

2011-10-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

Fair warning before I even start writing, this probably isn't going to be G-rated and I know some of my friends might be offended. Steer clear. ;) (Most family this includes you)

I thought long and hard about writing this post, then decided what the hell. I haven't done anything wrong except look like a stupid ass and I'm guilty of bad decisions. Anyone that knows me well is probably not shocked at that proclamation but there it is.

In January 2011 I met a very nice guy, his name was - well, it still is because I didn't snap and kill him - Charles. For the sake of not having to write it over and over I shall refer to him as Navy. He's a couple year younger than me :::shut up, Brooke::: at 32, former-Navy and came across as a very nice person. We met on a dating site, a normal dating site, not some weirdo let me suck-your-toes site. We spent a long time chatting via text, email, etc before meeting. We had several interests in common to say the least and hit it off from there. Due to his work schedule we decided that it wasn't a good time in life to actually date and I went off on my dating adventures aka disasters while he worked nights. We kept in touch on almost a daily basis and really got to know each other as friends and such.

Recently things transpired and we decided to date exclusively. His schedule still sucked but figured we'd give it a go and work around it for now. Sentiments were said, good times were had and I was starting to think maybe this would be ok even for the relationship-phobic inside of me. I let him into my life, into my house, involved with the Brats which is huge for me...since I'm basically a guarded hermit and even people I have known for ages haven't been over here. Anyway, some time passed and WHAM! (and not in the deliciously cheesy way of the 80's band)

Major fuck-up on his part involving a sex site and making plans, but supposedly not acting on them.

Time passed, I pondered what to do because having made many, many mistakes in my own life I do believe that people just fuck up sometimes. It happens and I don't want to be the closed off person that never gives a second chance. If I hadn't been given a second (or eighth) chance in the past I'd quite frankly be hosed. SO, that said I agreed to him remaining in my life after many days of uncomfortable conversations and explanations. During this time I listened to the advice of various people which ranged from kick-him-to-the-curb, he will never change, to second-chances-are-important, it was quite the gamut.

I began to get a nagging feeling in my gut that something just wasn't right. I attributed it to the past experience and the Troll of my previous 7 year relationship. For example re Navy...(bullet points for the NBC)

Once I was finally a friend on Facebook, he asked that I change my profile pic from the one of us to something else. Reasoning being he was going to see his kids in Utah that week and the ex was causing problems with him already. Decent explanation, I agreed and life went on. No biggie at the time, figured once he got back things would go back to normal. After that I was never friended on his FB again, reason sited was he hardly used it and hadn't been on. ***Note that he has been divorced over a year and supposedly it was ugly.
I had only met one friend during this time, but on the other hand I had not introduced him to anyone in my life mostly due to his work schedule. His work friends knew of me as I had heard conversations referencing me to them but I still felt secluded from the rest of his life.
Phone calls to the "kids" from the ex were out of my presence, always. He was also always a phone-guarder, which is fine to an extent but even when I needed to just look something up quickly it was deterred.
While being guaranteed that the recent fuck-up was a one time only thing, I just had a bad feeling that it wasn't true. I did blame the past for this though and tried to just push through it.

There were other instances but I don't know what the Blogger limit is on a post. Suffice it to say that I ignored my gut, went on with things and remained somewhere between denial and hope.

Fast forward to this past week, he was off work and was staying over. Went shopping, went to eat, had a long conversation about him starting to bring the kids to town for his visitation, etc. Expressed how happy he was in the situation we had, blah blah blah. Lots of words and even during it I had lots of doubt.

***I will cop to the fact that the evening this happened I had an odd experience that I wasn't going to admit publicly but WTF, why not. Earlier in the week a dear friend and I spent time together, during which we goofed off listening to music while he sang along. As I sat on the sofa with Navy a commercial randomly came on with one of these songs (Nope, not telling what it was for fear of looking like a total girly girl.) and like a pile of bricks it hit me that this wasn't right. There were other things I wanted in life and I started seriously thinking in my head that I needed to end it.***

Anyway, he went to bed and for the first time he left his phone on my charger by my bed - unlocked. It kept pinging with texts, he was passed out so I turned it down when the text that popped up along the lines of "I love and miss you" and it was from ex-wife.

You can pass judgement on me here and that's ok, but I do not regret this one single bit out of the need for self-preservation. I read the texts, there were weeks of them from her. Not all of them because it was apparent very quickly what was going on and there was no use in reading more. Besides the fact that it was a sex-fest when he went to "visit the kids" (Did I mention I was his airport taxi?) there were declarations of love, plans to get married again, you name it. I didn't bother reading texts from anyone else. I flipped open his mail (judge me again but no regrets) and lo & behold, was email after email from women he had contacted online then met in person for sex.

By this time it was about 11:30 at night, he had been asleep for a couple hours. It was surreal, I very calmly (which is NOT usual for me as I have the temper of the devil sometimes) got fully dressed down to my shoes then I collected what I could find of his laying around the house. I removed my house key from his keychain, took his items from the fridge and got a big black trash bag from the garage. At this point I went into the bedroom, flipped on the light and woke him up, point blank told him to pack up his shit and get out of my house. He acted shocked, asked "What is going on? What's wrong?" and I handed him his phone and replied "Really?". That was it for conversation.

He immediately got up and got dressed, threw everything he owned into the bag, no eye contact was made and absolutely no words spoken except him asking if he should go out the garage or the front door. I followed him to the front door, he walked out and I shut the door behind him. Flipped off the light and walked away. Not a tear shed that night or since then.

For anyone who was unlucky enough to endure the Troll, you might understand that this is a big deal instead of my trying to work things out.

While no tears appeared, my overly obsessive brain has been in full on mode since then. Considering the Troll who come to find out had over TEN affairs (that I now know of) during our relationship and then I take a chance and end up pretty much in the exact situation with this guy. It has made me really wonder if it is something with me. I used to blame Karma since I haven't always been a good person but geez, I didn't kill anyone and I've paid my dues. It's not "common" to be cheated on so frequently I assume. (or maybe it is, the world is going to hell) Again I received many words of wisdom including "You choose the wrong sort of men", "Don't believe what everyone tells you and don't give the benefit of the doubt" and my favorite that I have heard more times than I will admit..."It's not you, it's him. He's just fuck-up that will never change".

Oddly enough, besides the obsessive pondering, the main thing I feel about this ending is relief. As the same dear friend has said (and who also has been fucked-over numerous times), we're just people who are better single with "friends". No dealing with another's problems and bad decisions, no explaining our actions, just responsible for ourselves, above all no risk. While this probably sounds jaded to some people, it feels right at this point in my life. I also realized this weekend that being single makes me take much better care of myself and I spend more time on making myself happy. Unless some fairy tale Prince Charming walks into my life and besides one other particular situation happening (that's not available to me), I think I'll embrace the single life.

On a lighter note, I saw this and it cracked me up for obvious reasons. :)

So chalk it up to experience, right? Otherwise you just drive yourself crazy wondering why and quite frankly it's just not worth the energy.

-M (who hopes I don't have another post like this, ever.)

PS :::waving::: hello to anyone involved who might be reading this. I don't offer anonymity to those that fuck me over. :)

The (Disney) office is shaping up...

2011-10-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

This has taken me much longer than it should have, mostly because I'm a slacker. ;) I'm pretty happy with it, I'm still digging out Disney memorabilia to hang, display, etc so that's next. Well, actually next is refinishing the dresser I found to go in here. I'm a little scared of that project though.

So far...

Before

Almost After - the soon-to-be refinished dresser will go below the two prints on the right. I chose not to put the old doors back on the closet, it closed everything off plus they were ugly.

Before

Almost After

Before

Almost After

OK...so a quick rundown:

Paint & Misc @ Lowes: $95

New Blinds @ Lowes: $45

Four curtain panels & rod for closet @ World Market: $88 (with 25% off coupon)

The soon-to-be-refinished garage sale dresser: $45 (plus whatever I spend on pulls/paint)

Rough total of $275 - $300 for the room.

I will eventually replace the chairs when I find what I want and add some kind of dog bed. I'm happy and it will be nice to have a place for all my WDW stuff. :)

Some progress & misc rambling...

2011-10-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

Shocker of all shockers, I actually was off my ass this past week to at least start working on the office at home. It was a boring mess before. Don't ya love the wire hanging out of the wall the ex just left hanging after taking the tv???

Dull, dull, dull. I've been meaning to do something in there for a while but am a giant slacker. I can admit it. So within 2 hours I had everything out, stacked in the garage and ditched all the junk. I decided to go pretty neutral since I wanted to use my Disney collectibles in there and it will be a lot of color anyway.

Don't look at detail stuff, I have to go back and touch up errors plus the trim isn't painted yet. BTW, I suck at any painting that doesn't involve a roller.

Saturday morning I went to garage sales with Mom and scored on a piece of furniture to go between the closet and the bathroom door. (On the wall to the left of the pic above) I wanted something with storage but not shelves that I need to dust all the time plus low enough so I could still have wall hangings.

I was pretty excited to find this very heavy solid wood dresser for only $45. The brown is going...too much in my house is brown already. I haven't decided exactly what to do with it yet for color, but I'm thinking paint then distressing it a neutral to go in there. Fun drawer lining and I think it will be an awesome deal. It's in excellent shape.

Modeling courtesy of Conrad who believes he's the bomb. Anyway, it's 5.5' long so it's a big piece. Haven't decided to keep the handles and maybe paint them or just replace entirely. They're still in good shape so hate to just ditch them.

I'm pretty excited to finally have a finished area to display my Disney goodies and prints, they've been boxed up way too long.

In other news, it's been a tough few weeks in the personal life. Things are slowly settling so hopefully it will just improve from here. I'm working hard on not obsessing about everything and trying to go with the flow. That's really not my thing though so it's a constant struggle. I find I cope better when I can completely control and direct the situation. Imagine that. I hope the efforts pay off and things improve more everyday.

I love posting quotes and wisdom that I really don't apply to my own life. ;) I'm trying though so we shall see.

Can a shower curtain change your life?

2011-09-19T07:48:00.000-07:00

OK, probably not, but it does make me feel better. The post before showed the hideous shower doors and their removal. On Saturday I scrubbed the gunk from the doors off (PIA), filled the screw holes, installed a curved curtain rod and a new shower head. I can't believe how much nicer the tiny tub is with the curved rod high, two thumbs up. This entire project would have taken a normal person 2 hours probably, I was at about 3.5-4 which included chunking the screwdriver across the room and many curse words. :)

Yes, it's a pic of a shower head. If you had washed your hair under what I had before you'd be posting a pic of it too.

Voila! Happiness.

So...
Shower curtain, liner & rings - $45
Curved Rod - $35
Shower Head - $30
I sold the shower doors on Craigslist for $15
Grand total of $95

I'm happy with it. Of course the other parts of the bathroom still look crappy, but that's on the eternal list of projects.

In other news, the last week was total and utter shit. I had written a post about it but am choosing not to post at this point because of the situation and things still being "out there". I'm hoping things work out for the best, we shall see.

Sage Advice

2011-09-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

So earlier this week I spent an untold amount of time writing, deleting, writing again, editing, saving then finally sending an email. For the next hour after sending it I contemplated it over and over in my head, wondering if it would come across different than I intended, what the reaction would be, etc. So before the hour was over I had sent another disclaimer mail regarding the first one to soften any negative response. A bit later I received a text saying all was perfectly fine with the first email and...

"You need to get out of your head."

My first thought of course was holy hell, I wish I COULD get out of my head most of the time. I overanalyze every situation (that matters to me at least) and I obsess about things, either perceived or real. I can't imagine having to deal with someone who does that on a daily basis...at least if it were an option to have it in your life or not. So anyway, my point being is that it's not a bad piece of advice and I'm going to attempt to do it. We shall see.

In other news, hell froze over yesterday and I was productive after work. My master bathroom is split into two parts, one being the vanity/closets and another small room with the tub/toilet/cabinets. Not a ton of room but not horrible by any means, definitely roomy enough for two. Anyway, the older lady that owned the house before me had brassy fixtures everywhere including the bathroom. I have hated these doors since the moment I walked in the house...and notice the coordinating handicap bars.

It always seemed a shame to have the doors on there considering they did a really nice job with the tile surround. After this past weekend I decided I had enough of them so when I got home yesterday I removed the doors and the two handicap rails in the tile. I think it made a pretty big difference. (Don't mind my 958 personal products in there, it takes a lot to make it appear I just woke up and threw clothes on.) ;) It took about 1.5 hours so not a great amount of time at all.

I have to scrub the tub and tile to get all the gunk from the doors off/fill the screw holes, then install a curved shower curtain rod to make it a bit more spacious in there. Next is an extension on the shower head to the top of the tile and some exciting high powered, uber relaxing shower head. I haven't decided about the shelf in there yet, I'm not a huge fan but it is handy for above mentioned products. The 2nd bathroom tub needs the same changes at some point down the road.

In other news my two recliners went to Broken Down Old Recliner Heaven. Well, actually, the went to my driveway where I posted an ad on Craigslist saying FREE, Come get me....I hope they're gone today or they're going to the dump I suppose. They need a ton of work, but I figure if someone is willing to dig through my curbside trash for broken old things then someone would have a use for these. Who knows. Now I need to find at least one new chair, the only thing in the living room now is the sofa...and dog beds.

Wow, this is a long rambling post...I'm awake two hours earlier than the alarm because it's raining...and now Otis is scared of plain rain along with thunderstorms. It appears that if he can be smooshed up against me during it then he's safe...if only my problems were solved so easily. :)

Disappointments

2011-09-10T18:45:00.000-07:00

Life is full of them I suppose so I don't know why I'm surprised really when one shows it's ugly head. There is a reason I preach to my much-more-optimistic-friends the benefit of the island-of-one theory. I had to laugh today (in a bitter, cynical sort of way) when "About a Boy" was on and Hugh Grant was talking about his "Every Man is an Island" mantra. Of course that's a movie and everything ends in happily ever after so it's pretty much useless in relation to real life.

I posted a couple months ago about a "friend" that was a cheater and how our friendship is no longer. This week I was in a conversation with a new friend, who is married with children, who happens to be having an affair with the "soulmate", who would also be married with children. I don't know what or why, but it seems like infidelity in the 20's-45ish ages is everywhere. (I'm sure much more outside of that, but I have no personal experience with it at this point, thank you for small favors) Well, at least more places than I thought it would be anyways. Ooor maybe I'm naive.

I can say honestly that right now I know of SIX people in my life that are currently cheating on their serious relationships or marriages. SIX. That I know of. I mean, we're not 18 year old kids anymore. I admit, I did some stupid stupid shit when I was younger and I am sorry for it, no doubt about it. I just don't get the attraction of it, we're adults with careers, many with kids, with mortgages and a chore list every weekend. You're not a 21 year old kid who can go through life doing whatever you want and results be damned. If you don't want to be where you are then pack up your shit and get the fuck out. Better yet, if you can't keep yourself from the temptations (IRL, cyber or whatever) then don't get involved at all. Do everyone a favor and face the facts instead of hiding behind some bullshit charade.

Speaking of the she/he's my SOULMATE (you have to imagine this said in a gaggy, whiny voice as an excuse for their behavior), I don't believe in the soulmate theory. I believe that every relationship takes a shit load of work, is a giant emotional cheese-grater at times and REQUIRES two people working with the same dedication and intensity towards the common goal. The idea that there's just someone out there who is a perfect match AS-IS is a total fairy tale. The only ready-made perfect match for yourself IS yourself.

I am also not a supporter of the "I can't leave because of the kids" line. Fine, I don't have kids so maybe I'm not qualified to comment but I will anyway. I AM a kid of divorce and let me tell you that if I was given a choice 100 times over to be a divorced kid vs a terminally unhappy home kid, I'll pick divorce all 100 times. People that think they stay together while being completely miserable "for the kids" are either using it as an excuse so they don't really have to leave or are absolutely clueless. Kids KNOW what is going on, maybe not specifics but they feel the vibes, the tension, the anger. Either fix your crumbling relationship, stop the cheating or get out. Having kids grow up watching your infidelity and lies will only encourage the cycle in their own lives.

I've gone off on a tangent that wasn't even the purpose of posting today. Maybe I'm off my game since the sun is still out and it's not 3 am as usual. I'm trying really hard not to let someone else's poor decisions and actions influence my happiness, but it's almost impossible. Once you take the step to trust someone you give up that benefit I suppose which again reinforces the "Island" theory in my head. It seems people are very rarely who they present themselves to be. Everyone has skeletons in their closets but I think it's best to avoid those with the skeletons they still let out to play at night.

I see a bubble bath, a date with Tylenol PM and possibly a trashy romance novel in my immediate future. I've always been a fan of science fiction.

I feel like I should post a pic to lighten things up so here's one of my favorite place in the world. Somewhere I'd pretty much give anything to be able to run off for a week to right now and live in Fantasyland. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be an option anymore.

Contemplations & Ice Cream

2011-09-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

2 am, I'm a little early with my usual post. :) Just can't sleep but since I'm practicing my theory of not forcing it, I'm still awake. We shall see how this works out. I'm currently eating a 40 calorie Weight Watchers chocolate ice cream bar. It's only 40 calories because you can eat it in three bites, but I guess it's better than nothing. On the other hand it's really creamy and yummy so it doesn't taste like it's diet. Guess it's a trade off.

I read an article this weekend over worries and obsessions causing you to lose your present life. I can see that, you're too busy reliving the past or worrying the past will repeat itself in the future. Or it could not be about the past at all, you're just too worried of the unknown in the future. On Necessary Roughness last week I learned something new and I DO realize how pathetic that sounds. I never knew what the word fear stood for (or maybe forgot).

Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real

...and yes, I did Google that to make sure it wasn't tv make-believe. ;) (again, pathetic)

I think that I possibly spend too much time worrying/being fearful over what typically ends up being nothing. Sure, that's not always been the case but I've made changes in my life and with the people who are in it so it stands to reason that things overall will be different than the past. I would hope anyways.

A situation has come up that is really making me consider all of this. Not ready for specifics on here yet, but it's going to require not just a huge leap of faith but also an ability to control my irrational fear and anxiety. To be honest, I'm not sure I can do it 100% but I could try. Of course if it crashes and burns then I would hide in a hole forever.

I was actually productive this weekend...the entire house is clean plus I also cleaned out my closet last night. It was, ummm, disgusting. I have way too much stuff, even after donating all those clothes a few months ago. Going through I ended up with two big bags of donations - clothes, purses, shoes, etc. Now I have to wash the probably six loads of laundry I came up with from in there and sort out what needs to be donated. Between Charles and I doing laundry all the time now my washing machine and dryer are probably in shock. I'd love to get new front loading ones, but that's not happening anytime soon.

On another subject, I'm very concerned about Samantha. Dr. Becky is coming to look at her today, I'm hoping there is a good plan for her to try to improve her quality of life or maybe that I haven't given the new meds enough time to really work yet. She's very slow, won't put any weight on her bad leg and has been whinier than usual. She's always been an attention whiner but you can tell a difference usually. I also wonder if it's my obsessing that's making her worse than she really is, but then again since I see her daily am I not recognizing how far downhill she's gone? What really really sucks is she's all there mentally and is happy, eating as usual and begging for extras. It makes it impossibly hard when their body gives up before the mind. I am really trying not to panic.

September...finally.

2011-09-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

Sleep didn't magically come with the change of months but hopefully it will be at least a few degrees cooler...I hope. Just got up at 3:30 to let the dogs out and it was still sticky warm out, it's just wrong. Blech.

Another birthday has come and gone, I spent the evening watching my fave tv night (Royal Pains & Necessary Roughness) and closed with a Golden Girls marathon. That's right, that's how exciting I am. I have noticed that the only tv doorbell the dogs don't bark at is the one on the Golden Girls. Wonder what this means about my evening life that they have grown accustomed to it.

So the whole rule is that you're not supposed to let one person have the power to make you completely miserable. I can see that, got it. Now my question is should one person be able to make you perfectly happy? Kind of seems like a double standard of sorts. Technically if that one person can make you perfectly happy then it stands to reason that he/she would also have the ability to make you completely miserable therefore blowing the original rule to hell.

The other theory is that there isn't anyone that can make you perfectly happy other than yourself. I could see this, but you'd still have to be able to keep the control of allowing anyone inside enough to sway that happiness to the negative. You can't convince me that if you let others in that you can absolutely keep yourself happy. Too much outside influence involved. Some could say then how could you be perfectly happy living on your island by yourself? Guess that depends on the person. While some people find time alone to be the best time spent, others find it to be hell on earth. I tend to lean more towards the former.

That said, I'm having to make some adjustments to trust someone enough to let them into my personal hermit-type life. It's actually been much easier than I expected, but I do think it requires constant effort and tweaking. I think that's what happens to a lot of friendships and marriages, once the initial adjustment period is over then lack of effort pretty much kills it. It's got to be something both people in the situation is committed to though, it's not going to work with one person always being the giver while the other is always taking. I have a few friends in that position and while it irks the living crap out of me I try to hold my tongue. Everyone makes the best choices for themselves and since I'm a walking relationship catastrophe I have no room to throw stones. I throw them in my head of course, but that's it.

So I'm trying to put the past behind me and move on. I didn't realize it would take so long or the train would move so freaking slow. It's almost like I'm in reverse sometimes. When the past throws itself on the track I need to just plow it down instead of stopping till it moves off. I certainly don't need to back up and make sure it's ok before I keep going.

I need to sleep at least for a couple hours, I'm already grumpy enough in the morning. Something random that makes me happy...one of my fave spots to hang out at the Animal Kingdom.

Exhausted but not sleeping...

2011-08-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

Been up and down with Samantha all night, I'm tired but can't turn off my anxiety enough to sleep, it's too late to take another Xanax. I haven't seen her in this much pain since the whole Cancer thing started and it worries me. She's the most stoic dog ever and for her to be crying, etc means she must really be hurting plus she's having a hard time getting up and down the one step into the living room. Started additional medication today so my fingers are crossed. I need to accept the fact that things could just be getting worse with no hope. Her leg is really hot which means infection so she's also started on antibiotics. This makes Amantadine, Meloxicam, Tramadol, Hydrocodone and antibiotics. She also looks like she's losing weight even though she's eating as much as normal. I don't know, I wasn't ready to deal with this again so soon. If we can't control the pain and her quality of life then I don't even want to think about it.

I'm also trying not to be paranoid about a couple other things going on. If someone is supposed to be fully open to you, but then doesn't let you into all aspects of their life what does that mean? Does it mean it doesn't occur to them or that they're hiding something...or hiding you? Either way it's making me upset and uncomfortable, especially since I know other people that are allowed in. I have brought it up before and never really gotten a straight answer. I just can't shake the negative feelings about it. I guess I need to pull myself away from the situation emotionally/mentally until things are cleared up and if they're not cleared up I guess that's an obvious sign.

I broke down and bought a 4" memory foam topper for the bed yesterday, it should be here today from Amazon. I hope hope hope it works, I'm so tired of waking up with a sore back and shoulders. Next I want to get a couple memory foam pillows and see if they help any. I feel like an old person.

I went to the gym last night, it wasn't terrible but I definitely wasn't an athlete either. Shooting for three days this week so we shall see. I had forgotten how much I liked the eucalyptus sauna up there so that's a bonus. I did weigh in but haven't done measurements yet. I was relieved to see I was still down "most" of the weight I had dropped when I started in January, I'm still about 20 lbs lighter than when I started, but 10 lbs more than when I hurt my knee. It's such a nice gym, that should be motivation in itself one would think.

Sharing a pic of Tucker-Doodle today. You can't really see it in this pic, but Conrad really reminds me of him especially when Tucker was younger. I miss him. :(

Yea, ok...

2011-08-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

...the living room is not painted. I should have known better to put an exact date on the project because I was inevitably doomed to find something else I had to do. Not that sleeping qualifies as something else to do but still. Maybe this week...or at least buy the supplies this week. That's a good vague goal I suppose.

In my eternal quest for self improvement (ha), I am making my inaugural trip back to the gym tonight. This was supposed to happen a couple weeks ago, but once again I found something else to do. Perhaps tv this time instead of sleeping, but I can't guarantee that. I'm having to really push myself to go since it's easier just avoiding it. I also know I'm going to be very frustrated at first. Before I hurt my knee at the end of March I was going 4 days a week for 1.5 hour workouts. Even working out for 20 minutes now will be a huge struggle but I know I'm just going to have to work myself back up to it. It's just starting all over again, ugh. I know I feel better doing it, I know I can drop weight relatively quickly when I do it so I don't know why I put it off. Laziness I suppose and I'm horrible about getting home then not wanting to leave. I'm trying to decide if I want to track weight or measurements or both. I'm dreading the initial measurements though, yuck. It would be nice to look at least presentable in lingerie though...and not like a biscuit can exploded.

The dreaded birthday is Wednesday...I'm attempting not to have my usual gloom and doom attitude about it. Not saying it's working but I'm trying. Birthdays always seem to me to reflect that you're a year older, a year closer to dying and you haven't done x, x and x so far in your life. I'm giving advice to a friend to focus on the good in his life, but then I'm Negative Nancy. I'm very good at giving advice, too bad I don't get paid for it or follow it. Anyway, I'll probably still hermit but will attempt not to sleep the entire time. That will be progress.

Changing up Samantha's meds a little bit. She's having a really hard time getting around and seems to be in more pain than she was before. Her poor bone cancer leg is huge, I hate that there's nothing to do for her but to keep up her quality of life. She's eating and seems cheery although she's losing weight, it's going to suck more than anything if her body just gives out on her while she still has her spirit. Ugh, I don't want to think about it. I can't believe on my birthday it will be a year from Tucker dying. I need to get myself to blog about it over the Brat's blog even though I don't even want to think about it.

Anyway...a pic of tough-as-nails Sam for the day...(in her Basset Hound Shuffle skirt)

I suppose if I didn't have insomnia...

2011-08-23T10:20:00.000-07:00

...I wouldn't have much of a blog. :)

Things are brighter than last week so this post shouldn't be another downer, thank my lucky stars. (and yours if you actually read this thing) Med adjustment with a new addition so we shall see how it goes. Fingers crossed. Again.

Spent a few hours shopping with Mom on Saturday and visited the antique/junk mall again. I had no intentions of really buying anything, but then fell in love with a shabby solid wood table at one of the booths. The vendor was actually there and offered me a deal on it so I walked out at $58 including tax especially considering it's actually quite large. Very happy...I do want to replace the knobs so that will be approximately $10 and either seal the top or buy a piece of glass to protect it. The pictures aren't great, cell shots in the garage and the color most resembles the bottom two shots. Bright and happy, it's part of my living room renovation plans. Of course at this point it doesn't coordinate with anything since it's actually my first step.

The next big step is painting the room and built ins. I abhor the molding on the walls so I'm painting it all and just leaving the wood beams on the ceiling. San and I talked about ripping the wood off, but the entire room would have to be repaired/retextured and that isn't really fitting in the budget right now. If it looks sucky after painting then I'll have to revisit that idea though. I need to take full before pics of it all. My tentative plan is to try starting it Friday night and finishing Saturday which means I need to get to Lowes this week for supplies. It's not that easy having projects with the Brats having their butts in everything either.

The other big living room project is changing out the lighting which I can't do myself. I want to change out the ceiling fan and add multiple can lights similar to what I did in the kitchen. It's super dark in there which is ok for my "morgue like" (per Wolf) cold and dark man-cave days but overall I want it bright and colorful. I'm following several blogs (links on my sidebar) for motivation and ideas too.

My recliners are about to RIP. They've served their time and can't take any more abuse. Now I just need to figure out if it's worth recovering/slip covering them to use in the guest rooms or selling them on Craigslist to use the money against something different. VERY disappointed with La-Z-Boy on those chairs, they were custom made with their "premium" fabrics but by six months old they were showing big signs of wear. I understand my house is harder than most on furniture, but still fabric that expensive shouldn't be snagging that early.

Anyhoo, rambling and I have to be up in a couple hours. It's funny being awake while the Brats are sleeping, it's like a chorus of different snoring tones in here.

Oh! Another Home Goods find...Bear! It goes with the other two I found that I, um, haven't actually hung yet. Maybe I'm a wall hanging hoarder come to think of it. At just $15 a piece they're a steal plus they make me happy! Another cell pic, sorry.

Hope is a giant kick in the ass sometimes.

2011-08-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

3:15 am. Hopefully this bout of insomnia won't last long. It's nice having Brooke in Australia (only in this instance) so we can text while she's fully awake. :)

I don't even know what to say here. I'm having a rough time with some things, some parts are going great, others not so wonderful. The ones going great I can't help but worry that the crash could be coming anytime. I hate that feeling but don't know how to shake it. I have a shrink appointment this afternoon but really don't think is something a pill can fix anymore. We've gone through so many options and countless cocktails and I'm just about over it. Every tweak or change causes me weeks of additional issues getting over the effects. Obviously I can't stop taking them but dread a change which makes me want to avoid doing it.

I know that in order to get anywhere in life you have to take a chance and with chances there's a huge risk of failure. I guess I'm having a pity party here and wondering how many failures you have to go through before getting it right. I feel like I have taken the chances but it seems to never work out then I'm back at the starting line again feeling a little less than I did the last time I started. So the only common denominator in all these scenarios is me...so I have to be honest to myself and realize that it's something that I either am or am doing that is the cause of the issues. Until I can figure that out I feel like shutting myself off even more; I also can't help but wonder if it's something I will ever figure out.

I am not complaining about all of my life, not by any means. I'm very fortunate and grateful. I'm just missing pieces and some parts are warped right now. I'm also driving myself crazy in my head...analyzing, over-analyzing, doom scenarios, panic and anxiety. I don't know how if I don't even want to be in my head I can expect anyone else to be either. I also have a hard time letting other things in my head, I can't focus or concentrate hardly on projects because all this other inner conflict is going on.

My other problem (don't start counting) is that when I have something come up in my life that I enjoy/like/etc, I want more and more of it. I don't know how to go slow and calmly. It's like I have to throw myself into everything and maybe that's what is leading to my high failure rate in life too. If I could just learn to step back, slow down and distance better then I think I would be in less of a position for issues.

I'm mentally exhausted by the ups and downs, the mood issues, the sleep problems, the worry, panic and anxiety. What it comes down to is that the less you let in, the issues are minimal. Taking a chance with a high risk of failure I'm not sure is greater than no chance and guaranteed lack of failure/hurt. I know the optimists in my life are going to say that with no risk is no happiness, but right now that just sounds like a bunch of shit.

Sometimes I'm tired of hearing myself think.

A couple favorites from Pinterest this week...

Grouchy.

2011-08-10T07:31:00.000-07:00

It's, I dunno, 3 or 4 am. In theory I should be passed out from meds but here I am. Again. Let me try to describe the evening I have had...

That's right. I sat in bed watching the Golden Girls, drinking coconut rum and eating frosting directly out of the can. I'm not going to write about how much frosting I actually ate, that wouldn't be very ladylike. I also forgot to change my shoes after I put on jeans this morning and am still wearing my very unsexy Disney crocs that I wear around the yard. Good thing I don't work in a REAL job as some friends like to tell me since I work with family and all. I'd like to see them working with their family all the fucking time then say the same thing. It wouldn't be happening because half of them don't even talk to their parents on a regular basis so they need to just step the fuck off.

In other news I am quickly on the way to wrecking something good. Not on purpose, but because I can't control 1. my temper and 2. my paranoia. I'm trying, but I'm still snapping at the smallest thing and am quite literally making mountains out of nothing. The cocktail of crazy meds I'm assuming are working since I haven't gone totally over the deep end yet. It's like a slow motion car wreck that you can see from a block away but have no idea how to stop or warn the drivers. Miserable. I just need to resign myself to impending doom and get on with my life.

I made a list of things to do after work and on the weekend. I'm not sure why I make these lists because I never complete them. I can finish a shopping list but never a to do list. I'm sure it says something about my mental state...maybe I have some sort of a block like if I finished everything on the list I'd have nothing to do. That's ridiculous though because there's always something to do, even if it's something that totally sucks donkey balls. Come to think of it, most of the stuff on the to do list already does. I think I've just discovered the reason I don't work on it. It's not me after all, it's the list to blame. If I had some exciting life my to do list would be like "Paris for weekend for charity event" and not "pick up dog shit in 108 degree weather".

Going back to bed where hopefully I'll wake up singing to the birds outside and all perky like those bitches in fairy tales.

Tuesday Morning. Early.

2011-08-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

Of course it's early since this is the only time I am interested in blogging. Really it's just a futile attempt to bore myself back to sleep though. I've become addicted to the Pinterest site lately, it's like window shopping and wishful thinking wrapped into one. It's fun and actually does have a useful side, you can "pin" things you see around the internet that you find useful or interesting so you can remember later. Plus it's just entertaining to look at what everyone else has pinned. What I've found particularly handy is all the holiday ideas...I'm so ready for a cool Fall and Sunday football then Christmas.

I have been in a shorter-fuse mood lately. I don't know why exactly, but those I usually find annoying-but-tolerable have quickly slid in to the annoying-and-making-me-homicidal category recently. Normally I blame my meds and suggest that possibly I need an adjustment, but I'm really starting to believe it's not me and these people are just raging assholes. Maybe I should have come to this realization ages ago instead of assuming it's me all the time. My friends tell me that other peoples problems and issues are not mine. This is true, so why do I take them on as my own? Everyone makes their own decisions and unless it's a colossal screw up that is genuinely an accident, why am I incorporating their issues into my life? I have enough crazy to last me till I'm at least 97 as it is, I don't need a supplemental supply.

I hate being up in the air about situations. I'm currently in this position now and it simultaneously irks me and makes me anxious. I just prefer things to be out there and settled, the whole "what-if" thing I don't have much patience for. It makes me just want to bail and take the loss instead of dealing with it. Yes, I know this is vague but until things are settled I'm not big on naming names and pointing fingers. I just like things to be labeled, commitments made and go from there. No "Is it this?", "Is it that?" or "I'm not sure what it is" crap. Make a freaking decision and let's move on it. Arrrgh.

Speaking of issues, I have a big one that I need to work on. I have to stop knee-jerk reacting to certain situations. What's even worse is I knee-jerk react and ALSO open my mouth. For example, I see something that pisses me off/upsets me and instead of calmly assessing the situation and going from there I lash out. The availability of text, social media and such have made this all the easier (and all the more detrimental). I also consistently expect the worst, especially of those with a penis. I need to step back, assess the situation then take action if necessary. Hello passive aggressive, you don't have a place in EVERY part of my life although I love you dearly.

Besides, it's the spontaneous anger people that always get caught on Law & Order and Snapped. If you really take the time to plan then chances are you could get away with it.

This is what I need today...Lapu Lapus at the Polynesian. Multiples.

New Projects

2011-08-08T07:45:00.000-07:00

Greetings from the middle of the night, even at 3:30 am it's rainforest humid and hot outside. I'm looking forward to the days of sitting on the back porch with hot tea and the pups. Now if you go out there you're attacked by swarming mosquitos and are sweaty in 3.4 seconds. Sucks.

I've gotten addicted to a few different DIY and "upcycling" blogs that I found through Pinterest. Specifically some that focus on refinishing old junk furniture into cool new stuff. I'm going to make a blog roll on the right of the different blogs if you're interested. Anyway, I have been reading techniques and following some before/after shots and thought I'd try it out. One of my favorite things in the old days when I was married was treasure hunting, but it was usually for vintage Disney stuff.

One of my friends (you know who you are) visits thrift shops regularly and always comes home with all this cool stuff. It seems when I go I come home with a great big zippo, either I'm at the wrong kinda shop or I'm closed off mentally or something. I went to three on Saturday with no luck. On a whim yesterday I went to an Antique/Junk kind of mall close to the house. It's one of those places with a million booths that people just sell their stuff in. I was short on time so didn't get to explore too closely but was excited to make a few purchases.

One one of the blogs I had seen a project using old telephone tables that she painted bright yellow. I really liked them so I was hoping to find a couple. Instead I found one that was taller and skinnier. It's maple and in excellent condition...which makes me maybe want to not paint this one but just work on the current finish a little and change the knob. The company that made it was in business in the late 50s to early 70s. I think it's just too nice of a piece to hide it so that doesn't really help my refinishing projects. ;) It does match an antique teachers/secretary desk I have in one of the empty rooms though. I figure you can't even buy a cheap veneer table for $22 so it was a justified purchase. So I'm still on the lookout for some junky old ones for cheap.

Sprague & Carlton Telephone Table - $22

The next piece is kind of bizarre and if there wasn't a tag on it I'm not sure I would have known what it was. It's an old ashtray stand and I thought it was kind of cool. I think I'm going to take off the dividers on the bottom though, I haven't fully figured that part out. Either way my plan was to refinish it with a distressed look, add some cool hardware to the middle of the bowl and use it as a key drop area. Just figured it was unusual so now it's in my garage. :) It was cheap enough that if I can't make it work it's not a huge $ loss.

Old Ashtray Stand - $15

Allright, I had seen this couch when I was wandering around and thought it was retro-fabulous but it wasn't priced. When I was checking out she offered to call the vendor, he only wanted $59 for it and I couldn't resist. Don't wince, it needs work. The wood needs to be refinished, the cushions are in excellent shape but the colors are, uh, odd. SO the plan is to refinish the wood and recover the cushions while leaving the retro feel to it. If I could make it work I'd love to use it in my home office but if not it would mesh perfectly with a SHAG inspired guest room I was thinking about. Just couldn't pass it up for the price. (Haven't gotten it to house yet so these are cruddy shots at the shop) If worse comes to worse and I redo it and can't use I can resell it.

Retro Wood/Vinyl Couch - $59

So on Saturday I sold books & dvd's back to Half Price Books and made $25. I used this towards the three purchases above so only spent $75 total out of pocket, I'm very happy with that.

I don't want to hear about it.

2011-08-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

I've been irked the last 24 hours or so about this entire blog situation. I blog because I like to write. I like to write because it helps me think through things. It's fun. I also like a record of thoughts that I can go back and read through on occasion, mostly so I don't screw up twice. I know it's public, I could block access to invited readers only, but I don't feel like I should have to. If I wanted to do that I'd have a diary at home with a little key. I don't write anything here that I should be ashamed of, I'm not confessing to any crimes and I'm not doing anything in my life I feel I should be hiding from anyone. I'm 30-something (that's for you, Brooke), I'm single and if I fuck up then I have nobody to blame but myself. I like it that way.

Yes, I know it makes people form opinions of me. Yes, I know my exes and their current/past victims can read it. Yes, I know it sometimes doesn't paint me in the best light. Who cares?!!? I'm not running for office here, I'm just writing what goes on in my head sometimes and my opinions on things. Maybe it gives people the feeling they're better than me because I have this problem or that, that's fine too. If I were perfect I'd be too busy out telling everyone and not sitting here at 4:45 in the morning because I can't sleep. Then again, if I were perfect I wouldn't be bragging about being perfect. So essentially all these people criticizing me aren't perfect either. Hmmm, imagine that.

I'm not going to censor myself here, period. If someone reads this, doesn't like it, whatever then it's easy. Stop reading. If you keep reading and feel the need to criticize what I'm writing about then do it to someone else. If I'm writing on here that I've screwed something up then chances are it's not a news flash for you to tell me too.

Enough. I'm finished with that.

I am SO proud of Conrad.. He started crate training last week vs being free in the empty part of the house. The first two days when it was time to crate he would run and hide in the empty part of the house. The next couple days he'd hide in various other spots and I'd have to drag him. Then he'd run into the crate with Otis where I'd have to pull him out flailing. The last 3 days he's ran into his crate and waited for his treats with no prompting at all! He's very smart but stubborn. I do have to say that his behavior issues have been much better since Otis beat him up. I've had almost no problems with him being pissy with the others. He's gotten into the routine of the pack, down to sitting in line waiting for his turn for treats and has established habits of where he likes to sleep, hang out, etc. I don't know if he's leaving. It's not that I want another pack member, but he's situated himself so well and he just adores the others. Sigh. He's a holy terror, but it's kind of endearing.

Trust

2011-08-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

Hello to 4 am, my date time for Blogger it seems.

Life's changing a bit right now and I haven't really made several things "public" which means I'm struggling internally with things. The past several years of my life have left me with a lot of trust issues and quite frankly, they're a giant pain in the ass. When I reflect back on things I can see I had gut feelings through most of the problems. Although I can see this I can also say that I ignored it almost 100% of the time. Unfortunately almost 100% of the time they were actually right.

So as time has gone on I have tried to listen more to what my gut had to say and act accordingly. The thing is, now I'm second guessing the feeling and wondering if it's just not good nerves that I'm feeling or a warning to be careful. It kind of makes me sad that I've become someone who can't distinguish butterflies from doom feelings. I don't know how to change this really except to take a chance and hope I'm not obliterated again. I'm really not enthused by this idea since it's taken me so freaking long to even get to this point now.

When speaking to a couple friends about the situation I was given the sage advice of "trust, but be careful". What exactly does this mean? Give your trust but keep a suspicious side of you watching the situation? If that's it then you're not really trusting anyways. You're just suspicious with a facade of trust and I don't want that either.

How can you really trust what someone tells you? I mean just blind faith trust. Everyone has secrets and their own issues. Maybe you're being told what they know you want or need to hear. Maybe they're playing games to get what they want. Maybe what's wrong is right in front of your face but you're blind to it...or in denial. Maybe you're clueless and easy to deceive.

Maybe they're actually being sincere and have no agenda. Hope is a bitch sometimes.

Just because it makes me smile...

Family

2011-07-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

So I was writing an email last night talking about Bear's health issues and upcoming surgery when I realized a couple things. I was justifying the money being spent and then thought to myself WTF am I doing? The Brats are essentially my kids, they're my little family. I don't have human kids, I don't have a significant other at this point, it's just me and the dogs. Why do I need to justify anything about what I do for the dogs? If I want to spend my money on their vet issues, beds, toys, whatever it is then why not?

I don't tell people they're stupid for dropping a ton of money on drill team or football or anything else for their children. I don't say that someone shouldn't spend money on their darling offspring, technically that kid could live without braces so why blow the money?? Same difference.

I get that some people view animals as just that, animals or worse yet, property. I don't. I view them as part of the family with feelings of happiness and sadness. I don't know how I would live in a home without them, it would feel so empty no matter who else was there. No, I'm not the crazy dog lady. Yes, I do talk to the dogs like they're going to talk back to me. So what? I bet there are a lot of times parents wish their two-legged kids couldn't talk back to them. I have that luxury, they don't.

Just like someone has little traditions and habits with their human kids, I have them with the Brats. They get excited when the Christmas stockings are hung, they know what to do when they're given a gift wrapped present, when baking pans come out you can bet they know what's happening and get excited. Grab a blanket and pillow and head for the couch, they race to get the good spots for an afternoon nap together. All this and I don't have to worry about teenage pregnancy, illegal drugs or paying 100k to get through college. Oh and I can guarantee you that my dogs won't be telling me they hate me when I don't give them something they want. :)

People should think before they speak. Just because someone is childless doesn't mean they are without a family of their own.

Total Rambling

2011-07-27T07:24:00.000-07:00

So there have been a few instances the past couple weeks with friends that have me wondering wtf people really think. I admit it, I have negative thoughts about people and situations sometimes but there's a difference between thinking it and saying it. You have to wonder if the people who make the disparaging remarks do it because it makes them feel better about themselves to put someone else down, if they're truly clueless or if they just don't care. Actually, scratch clueless from that list. You can't tell me that a mature adult would say something like "You're not attractive enough for her/him", "Wow, you've put on a lot of weight since last time" or whatever it is and NOT know what they were doing to that person. I'm all for being blunt and straight, but not rude or mean. It just makes me wonder about people sometimes. Standing on the outside looking in at it just makes me want to bitch slap these people.

In other news, as much as I love dogs it is beyond me why someone would choose to have a puppy. For the love of dog, Conrad is exhausting and I'm quite sure his legs are made of springs. I do admit that he's funny and a goofball, but it's like having a toddler in trouble all the time. On the plus side I can pick him up though. Rulon has reverted back to being one and Otis has become the playground bully. The three of them together are a disaster waiting to happen. Bear has surgery for his cyst/nipple on Thursday and I'm nervous about it already. Dr. Becky is going to look at this throat while he's under and see if she can tell how bad the Lar Par is. Also if he does ok with the anesthesia he's going to have his teeth cleaned as well. My hope is that his throat condition is minor enough not to require surgery anytime soon. I hope.

This has ended up being a multi-day post as I never finished it yesterday.

So I've been driving San's 6 series BMW the last couple weeks and while I loved it of course, I was kinda happy to be back in Buttercup yesterday. From a shrink's point of view maybe this means I'm happy about the life I have and that I don't need to use someone else's lifestyle to make me content. Interesting. Of course it can also mean I missed tinted windows in the 105 degree heat and 32 mpg vs 12 mpg in the 6. It could go either way.

The dreaded cough is getting worse and now I think something is settling in my chest. Doom. It pisses me off that although I made an appointment with the actual doctor last time I ended up with the PA instead. Not that they're not qualified, but I think I ended up with more of a generic bandaid on the situation and now it's worse. So I guess I make another appointment and insist on seeing him, total PIA and of course another co-pay. I shouldn't bitch because I have health insurance and co-pay money, I know, but still irks me that I'm having to repeat what I've already done.

So I'm on the 3rd week of the supplemental crazy pill that I take during the day. Technically this is probably the 5th week or so but I kept forgetting to take it so those weeks don't count. I don't know if it's working or not really. I suppose the fact that I'm out of bed everyday counts for something. I will continue on and see how it goes. Depression has been looming at times but I haven't actually fallen into the pit lately so that's a plus I guess, but I don't know if it's THAT pill specifically or the cocktail of other meds. I have been hermitting a lot lately, but I think that's more my personality than the crazies.

Shocker of all shockers, I have been working on my Vision Board project. By working on it I mean searching for the images and wording I want. What I have discovered about myself is that I haven't thought much about what I really want. Other people have always been in the mix so my wishes would have been mostly for helping them I think. Like if H&B were still around I would have things there about them, like helping them through college. Now it's just me and I don't know exactly what I want. Savings and financial security of course, Puchelli to be a huge success but I'm still working through the rest. As for the part about my personal life/relationship outlook, that's pretty much blank since I'm completely conflicted in my head right now about that. I'm going to be 38 next month (ugh) and I need to get my shit in order. I feel like Peter Pan and sometimes think that I'm never going to grow up.

Sharing a pic from last July....(can't believe it's been a year) One of my very favorite people who I miss dearly. Why does Australia have to be on the other side of the world?!?! :(

So it's 3:30 am...

2011-07-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep again. I was up and moving by 4:30 am Sunday morning, actually it wasn't half bad. By 8:30 I had cleaned most of the house so I was happy. This was "stocking-up" weekend so now I have a supply of everything from dog food to bully sticks to paper towels. It's not like there were any great deals, but it's nice not to have to run around weekly to get things. Plus it helps budget a little better.

Speaking of budgeting, I spent most of last week exploring where my money goes each month. I have a few things to tweak here and there, but overall I was happy with the results. I remember in my past two relationships we would spend a HUGE amount of money eating out all the time. I've cut that down pretty low and the same with "fun" spending. Still needs some work, but getting there. Pretty much I'm going to try to put any extra money I have back into the house for now. There are some basic upgrades I want to do first, like light fixtures and paint. Of course, this is after the vet stuff for the Brats so it may not be happening anytime soon. :)

I'm so ready for Fall that it's not funny. When I was in the attic I saw some of my Autumn decorations and it put me in the mood for pumpkins and cold Sunday football. Meanwhile we're on our 24th day of over 100 degree heat with at least another 10 days coming. I fear the next electric bill. The neighbors keep complimenting me on my lawn, I should probably check the sprinkler settings and make sure it's not being watered every night. I'll get a $300 water bill then I'll know why it's so healthy and green when I don't lift a finger for it. (and all the neighbors yards look cruddy)

I went on a fruit buying binge this weekend - you name it I bought it. Blueberries, cherries, strawberries, pears, peaches, nectarines, plums, grapefruit, apples, pluots, etc. I figure if I'm going to snack then it might as well be fruit. My buddy is all over me about the sugars and such (he's an Adkins fan), but I can't be made to believe that grabbing an apple over a bag of chips is a bad decision. After two days of better eating I can tell a difference in how I feel. Now if I just add a few weekly trips to Lifetime on top of it....

My personal life is shifting a bit right now and I'm trying to adjust. I think the changes are good, but I like to have everything "out there" so there are no misunderstandings and such. Still working through a few things but overall I'm happy with the direction it's taking. I'm cautiously optimistic, which is a step up from my usual utterly-and-completely-negative. :)

Since today is officially the mark for 5 months till Christmas I'm going holiday with my pic...

Friday!

2011-07-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

So I've apparently developed a tolerance to cold meds actually making me sleepy since it's the middle of the night and am sitting in bed hacking. Lovely. I'm so over this dry constant cough thing. Ugh.

Last week I actually DID complete my goal of cleaning out my clothes! Well, mostly, I have laundry to do and I'm going to cull that out as it comes out of the dryer. Just from going through my main closet I ended up with two large (like outdoor) black trash bags full of stuff. It's insane. Some of it I haven't worn in years. I still need to go through purses which means cleaning out the ones I don't want anymore, hit the couple other closets for misc stuff and pack it all up. I have a horrible habit of getting a new purse, transferring the essentials from the old purse then leaving all the crap still in the old. Whenever I run out of tampons I dig through the old purses if that tells you anything. I've had two fliers this week about charities picking up donations next week so it's perfect. I'll just drag them out front, slap the tag on them and they'll magically disappear before I get home from work plus I get the tax write-off.

When I stuck my head in the attic I noticed there are two big bags of clothes from H&B from years ago. I guess I'll go through these and see if they're worth selling to the used kids stuff store or just donating. There are probably ten or so boxes of unknown stuff up there that I need to sort through as well. Maybe this should be my next thing to do although I do kind of dread it. There's also a bunch of old Christmas decorations that can go. I just don't know where all this shit comes from.

I'm plodding along with my SmugMug project. I still have at least a billion photos to sort through, but everything is set up and I'm slowly moving things over. Once I get my existing photos under control I'm going to start scanning the boxes of old pics from Mom's house. She has boxes of old slides from when they lived in the Bahamas ages ago plus misc ones so I'm planning on getting one of the converters to create digital formats of the slides. I'm sure it will be a slow process but it will be cool to have them all. Once everything is in the account then whoever in the family can go through and just pull the pics they want therefore leaving me out of having to make everyone copies. Win win. Since my blog is boring without photos I'm going to try out the sharing option on the account with this pic of Nana I found from Christmas a few years ago. My life is so exciting. ;)

The Past

2011-07-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

So I've been internally struggling with a few things for a while now. Those of you that know me personally shouldn't be surprised by this at all. When L and I finally parted ways I went through the house and took down all the picture frames that had anything with us or the kids. On my computers I moved the thousands of photos of trips, holidays, birthdays, etc into folders named "Old Pics" or something vague like that. Actually I think I even named them something like "X Old Pics" so the X would make them sort at the very bottom of my album list.

Time has passed, we've both moved on and I've been thinking about the old days a lot lately. As I walk through the house or look through my digital photos it's like my life ended at 2003 and started again at 2010. All those years are just wiped out and I really don't think that's right. For as bad as things were at times, there were still good times. H&B grew up a lot with me and there are so many memories, good memories. Obviously things weren't all bad so why take what was good and tar it with the same brush? Would I repeat it? No, but it happened and nothing will change that.

I have been working on setting up my new SmugMug account and as I look through these trips, especially the annual Disney trips with the kids it makes me nostalgic. We had so much fun, so many traditions and "inside" things we did together. It wasn't all big exciting stuff, even small things were important like Baker and I having iced coffee at Epcot while Hallie rode the stuff he wasn't tall enough for yet. Hallie and I could spend hours browsing through all the shops at the parks, just tons of little things. I struggled for a while about what to include and what not to include in the new albums. While I don't want to sit in the past, I also don't want to ignore it. So I'm choosing to include the good memories. They happened and they were important so why not? As time goes on you make new memories that you add to them, not replace them with. That said I'm going to go back and return a few favorite framed photos around the house.

I know I have a couple friends (you know who you are) who don't see eye to eye on me with this and that's ok. Everyone handles things differently. Since 2007 I have had dealt with the death of SIX dogs, some sudden, some not, but either way I have learned there's a time period where it's easier to just not think about it. Don't reflect on the past because it hurts too much. Hide it, pretend it didn't happen, whatever it takes to cope. One day, sometimes sooner than later and sometimes not, that seeing a picture or a video makes you happy instead of sad. You get where looking through all the old pics is a fun way to remember the good times. It's taken me over a year but I'm finally there now with the past 8 years and I feel better for it.

Nothing in Particular

2011-07-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

As seems to be the theme of this blog, it's the middle of the night, my alarm will go off in 3 short hours and here I am. So it's technically Thursday and I haven't purged my closets yet which was the goal of the week. I need to get off my ass and just do it, maybe tonight since the weekend is looking a little busy. I still haven't located a charity to drop everything off to though.

I would also really like to start working on my vision board (I know I keep saying this), I have some visuals ready to go on it but need to work on some more. I've gotten into a bad habit of getting home and slacking off all night, that's got to stop. I always have good intentions throughout the day for a productive night, then I get home and BAM, I'm a couch potato. I think I need to make some lists and new goals, maybe I'll make a tab on the blog for that.

Speaking of couch potatoes, I need to get back to Lifetime. I don't know what my mental block is about going. Once I start and get into the routine I really like it, but I'm having such a hard time starting. Maybe once I get the closet cleaned out, get my workout stuff in order, prep my backpack, etc then I'll be motivated. Right now even tracking down clothes for it seems too much of a hassle. Of course that could also just be an excuse for not going. Three days a week to start, surely I should be able to do that again. It's hard to believe just a few months ago I was there 4-5 days a week doing 90 minute workouts. Ugh, you lose momentum so fast when you stop going. I could kick myself.

I'm starting to feel torn between different situations lately and it makes me uncomfortable. (and grumpy) Anyone who knows me well knows I really like my alone time. I'm just not someone who needs to be around someone 24/7 nor do I really cope well with that. (Hell, 7/7 for that matter) I guess to some extent I'm selfish with my time but I can accept that. There are worse things to be I suppose. Anyways, being pulled different directions for my time and such puts me on edge, I'm not proud of it but there you go. I hate feeling guilty about not having enough open time or energy for something or someone. I try not to commit specific time to avoid feeling badly if I can't fulfill it. I spend free hours during the week networking and trying to help shelter dogs which I enjoy so I don't consider it a chore by any means. I need to spend more time on the house and Brats outside of work which I'm not doing enough of now. See, it's just one thing after another then you add more on top of it and grouch city. Add depression and anxiety issues and it's not good. Tonight was the first full blown anxiety attack I've had in a while and that's a sure sign some changes need to be made.

In defense of myself though, I do feel like I spent the last 8-9 years of my life putting everyone else first. The ex and that entire situation among other things. It's taken me a long time to get to the point that I'm at now where I don't feel the responsibility to take care of everyone and all their problems. Nor are their bad decisions mine so there is no reason I should feel responsible for them.

To some extent I do miss the old days when I was married to A. I could get up on Saturday morning, he'd go play golf and I could go do what I enjoyed without having to feel guilty that I should be doing this or that. I always had a good time treasure hunting for things, shopping, doing things around the house, etc. We were very compatible in the way we both liked our alone time so there was never pressure on the other person to do something they didn't want to. I should be able to get back into that again, but I'm going to have to make a conscious effort to put it first and not let other pressures take precedence. Consider it good mental health time.

Sunday Blues

2011-07-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

I love Sunday for napping and relaxing, but can't help but be blue that tomorrow is Monday. I have a hard time getting motivated to be productive on Sunday, Saturday seems much more of a "project" day since you have ALL weekend ahead of you. Technically I should be spending Sunday getting ready for the week (like laundry, groceries, etc) but that hasn't really happened in my life so far. I shall put it on my "to be improved upon" list...which is very, VERY long.

I'm going to attempt to set a goal this week of cleaning out my clothes. I have SO much extra stuff that I never wear or can't fit into anymore yet it hangs in my closet. I dig through it all everyday to find the very small percentage of stuff that I actually DO wear. I'm not sure why I haven't just donated the extra and pitched what wasn't worth donating yet. It will probably only take an hour or so to go through it so I am sure I can get it done this week if I can stay motivated. My closet looks like a bomb went off, it's scary. It's also started to creep to the office closet which is bad news. I have a hoodie hoarding problem which I don't think I can totally overcome, but I can probably let a few go to charity. Same thing with jackets, I really don't need them all and they'd be better used going to those who need them. I think I need to find a better place to donate than Goodwill, I've done that in the past but mostly because it's convenient.

I posted a few weeks ago about a sticky situation with a friend who I have since lost. I thought it was going to be very hard to adapt to, but I've come to realize that it hasn't been. I think losing the drama that came with the friendship has been more than a relief than a real loss. I guess this should tell me that the relationship wasn't healthy for me to begin with. It makes me wonder how many other friendships in my life are toxic but that I hold onto because it's been "so long" or whatever. It's probably time to make some changes on the friends list of my life.

Sleepless Night...Again

2011-07-07T07:59:00.000-07:00

It's a little past 4 am and I should be asleep. That said, I've checked Facebook, Twitter and read the news so far. I'm resorting to blogging as a last attempt to bore myself to sleep. The weekend in Alabama went well and turned out to be a lot of fun. We hung out mostly and watched a bazillion episodes of Sons of Anarchy, which I'm now addicted to. I still have a few episodes of Season Two left and then I need to get Season Three. I dreaded watching it but turns out I really like it...it's like a different type of Sopranos (which I wish never ended).

I'm still in a little shock about the news of Otis being Heartworm positive. I know dogs go through it everyday, but I really hate the thought of him having to go through treatment. I'm sure it's going to be pricey since he's huge, not that it would make a difference anyway. I can live on Ramen and iced tea for a while. I just wish there were some other option for treatment.

In the meantime Conrad has situated himself right in with the others. There are still some issues with him being snarky but we're working on it. Overall though I'm very happy that he was able to come in with the pack and situate himself so well. He was obviously someone's boy at some point, he's never had an accident (unless he was ill) and is able to stay free in the house at night with the others. Rulon and Otis still can't be trusted out during the day together, I did another trial run last night while I was out and came home to stuff spread all over the house. I don't get it, what is the excitement about dragging blankets and clothes everywhere?! They don't do it when they are free separately.

I'm attempting to brighten my house up some, somehow everything has leaned towards dark colors and I'm tired of it. I bought a bright quilt and lamps for the bedroom, now I need some stuff for the walls. I want to start replacing things throughout the house to liven things up some. It looks like I might have some company this Fall so I want to do something with the two extra bedrooms, well, at least with one of them. It turns out that the front bedroom works well as my own personal vet clinic. Sick, I know. I would like to theme the other bedroom with Shag (Disney and regular) stuff, but we'll see. I might just have to incorporate pieces here and there as I get them. It would just be nice to have an actual guest room with a bed and all. Novel idea I know. I'm also wanting to find two new recliners for the living room then cover the current ones for the guest rooms. Not sure how soon that will be happening though. I'd like to start going treasure hunting again and seeing what I can find at second hand stores, garage sales, etc. I used to do that a lot in the "old days" but somehow got out of it the last several years. It's fun and I enjoy it so I'm not sure why I'm not doing it?! Actually, that applies to several things in my life. Interesting.

Another curve in the road...

2011-06-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

...but straight roads are boring.

Well at the beginning of this week I figured I'd be around here for the long weekend, now I'm headed to Alabama instead to see J. I'm looking forward to it and am hoping for a relaxing and fun weekend. I'm happy that the Brats will be with Marie & Ben too..it will be a HUGE load off. Personally I think they'll have a great time, it's like a little vacation for them too to have new fun people around instead of boring old me.

My goal for the weekend is to be upbeat and positive so the time goes well for both of us. I'm going to make a dedicated effort not to harp on things or be pushy. Accept things like they are and enjoy the experience. This is a big issue for me since I'm a control freak and that's what started the problems last month when I was there. It did help a bit today to hear someone being a pushy know-it-all about the subject and I realized that I did NOT want to sound like that. I think that at the root of things nobody knows what you really need except you, everyone has an opinion but you're going to do what you're going to do. There are very, very few people that I would alter my actions and/or thoughts for so I do get that. I do very little that I don't want to do, especially these days with just myself and the Brats to worry about.

I know my life is a pretty open book on the web between the blogs, Facebook, Twitter, etc. I don't have an issue with this, I throw my feelings and opinions out there and that's that. If there is something really personal I just don't post it but for the most part it's out there. If it's something to be ashamed of then I shouldn't be doing it anyway. That said, it pisses me off when someone takes a tiny piece of a situation and makes assumptions about something/someone they know nothing about. So if I make the wrong decision, pick the wrong path it's my fault and I own it. I'm not going to avoid something or someone because someone else who is not qualified passes judgement on what I should or should not do. Not only that, but wow, life is full of hypocrites. Really? You're going to give me advice while you're standing in a tub full of water holding a hot toaster? No thanks. I can fuck up my own life just fine on my own. I've been doing it for ALMOST 38 years now, I can be considered a card carrying professional.

Monthly appointment with the Shrink is tomorrow morning, good times. I foresee a bump in meds in my future as I'm having anxiety issues again and quite frankly, my irritability level is at an all time high. Although the more I think about it is probably because there are so many idiots in the world. I shouldn't have to medicate because people lack common sense and decency but since I guess I can't change everything in the world I'll just take more mood altering pills. Oh and I know who you are and what you're thinking about my mental meds but forget it, it's not going to change. If I had asthma you would want me to have an inhaler wouldn't you??

Speaking of idiots, the shelter numbers are killing me lately. What the fuck is wrong with people? I don't care how many people try to justify it to me, it's flat ass wrong to dump your animal. I'll give you an out if you die or can't physically take proper care but even then make arrangements so they're not dumped. There are also support systems out there if you can't buy food or pay for vaccinations/spay/neuter. How many times do you have to see "owner died, family doesn't want" written on a cage card? If something happened to me I can guarantee if the Brats were dumped because nobody in my friends and family circle would step up, well, I would haunt you people for the rest of my life and spit on your souls. I do have a life insurance policy that will provide for the Brats for the remainder of their life then the rest will go to rescue efforts. Of course, you have to be able to trust the beneficiary not to dump your dogs and take the cash. Not that I'm worried about mine if you're reading this. ;)

Right and Wrong

2011-06-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

I have found myself in a particularly bad situation of late and it's beginning to make me physically ill from anxiety. Everyone knows everyone so I'm not using names but thought I'd blog about it anyways because it's bothering me.

I have a friend. Seriously, I do. This isn't me just saying I have a friend but it's really me but I don't want anyone to know. At least I had a friend, although as this plays out and I ponder it more I wonder if "friend" is the right word. This person has made personal choices in life that I haven't agreed with the last few months and instead of immediately removing myself from the situation like I knew I should have I stuck around. I let myself be used as a cover for questionable activities and didn't do what I should have done.

What makes it even worse is I've been on the bad side of this situation for years and I know how it feels to be the innocent party. It sucks. It sucks worse than anything. I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be in the position of "accomplice". While I didn't actually do anything wrong I feel guilty and "dirty" for even being involved and having the knowledge. Once I started to realize that I was also being lied to, well, it really was a kick in the teeth with reality.

It makes me think about a story that's in the news right now. A guy was recklessly driving and hit a pedestrian on the highway, killing her. He and his passenger got out of the truck, saw the scene and then took off. Now at that point of seeing what happened the passenger is on the innocent side of this (not taking anything else unknown into account). The second he saw what happened he should have stopped and rendered aid to the woman, even if his friend made the bad choice of getting back in the truck and speeding off.

I'm the passenger. I should have refused to get back in the truck and instead immediately helped the injured party in this scenario.

Now I am the "bad guy" in this because when it came right down to it I had to make a choice between right and wrong. I'm getting nasty text messages of my "betrayal". When confronted about the situation I chose the right thing to do even though it's late in the game, terribly late. Instead of taking responsibility for their own actions, the guilty parties involved have turned on me, blaming me for what has happened and I'm ok with that. At least I know deep down I did the right thing and I can work to be a better person even though I made a mistake at first. It's a lot better than continuing to do the wrong thing and living life like that.

As you get older you realize that sometimes you have to make hard choices in order to keep the people in your life that NEED to be in your life. I have wasted too many years on toxic relationships and I refuse to do so anymore. There are too many people out there who are on the right path, making good decisions and I'd rather walk uphill with them than slide downhill with the others.

A new blog...kinda

2011-06-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

For you unfortunate souls that have followed my blog life through the years, you might recognize this url as my one from ages ago. I hid the previous posts and am starting fresh, I find it easier to ignore my past mistakes this way. Kidding, kind of. Actually, there were all sorts of pics of the kids and the past several years of my life that just weren't appropriate anymore so that was the real reason. Plus it still makes me sad to look at them. I mean, does anyone really want to read about wedding plans I was making a month before the catastrophic break-up and cheating revelations? Yea, me either...although I'll still bitch about it from time to time, I've earned the right.

So much has gone on in the last several months and my life has taken on the personality of a Bi-Polar teenager. Up and down, down and up, repeat over and over. Mind you, I'm not complaining since I'm much happier now than I have been in years, but sometimes it does wear on me a bit. A little stability would be nice, but if I had that then I'd probably be here complaining about how boring my life is.

The last couple months have made me think about a lot of things, one being my own mortality. Life can change in the blink of an eye and what you thought were big problems in your life become inconsequential to what you're suddenly facing. It makes you appreciate what you do have more than you might otherwise. I think people take a lot for granted and I'm at the top of that list. While I have frequent panic and anxiety attacks over health issues, I've never faced a life or death situation personally. (Knock on wood.) I've found that I also don't know how to relate well to someone in that situation and that's a flaw on my part that I need to work on. I guess I've never given it much thought, again because I had the mentality that things happen "to other people". It's a work in progress I suppose, like most other issues in my life.

Anyway...just a quick intro post and I went off on a death tangent. Doesn't this make you look forward to reading more of my fascinating thoughts? Maybe the next one will be something uplifting like stories of the plague or weapons of mass destruction.

-M